This is my story and you have to know it.
I felt I was a bit different from my family so when I was 17 years old, I wanted to go out into the world because I had big ambitions and I wanted to find my tribe, people who are similar to me but my mother was a sick person. She was jealous of me so she went and turned my father against me and he came at me like a hulk telling me “ I don’t have girls that leave the house”. I refuse to accept someone talking to me this way so I lost all respect for him from that moment onwards. First, because he takes orders from his corrupt wife and second, because he’s so aggressive. I have a brain, got a problem with me, come talk to me with respect. I had radically different values from my family.
They forced me to stay in the house. I wanted to be an engineer, they put me under so much pressure to be a doctor. I refused. Then they found a condom in my bag( I didn’t know my father was looking through my bag) then I come home one day and he grabbed me and pushed me up against a wall and he said to me “You’re a whore”. I was so terrified. I thought I was a nice girl from a nice family, why would my dad say something like that to me. It was so trashy. I had no clue. It didn’t make sense. I was just a normal Iraqi/Canadian girl living life according to my values. From that day onwards, they viciously and ruthlessly and horrifically abused me. I had no clue why they were doing these things so I fought. YOU CAN’T TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS. They attacked me like animals. My father would grab me by the hair and punch in the face until I bled and bled. He whipped my back with wires, beat me, swore at me, and didn’t show me an ounce of mercy for 5 years straight. The whole family turned against me. They literally ripped me to shreds. They were like animals. All the while I was thinking “why?”. I was a good kid, I made smart choices. I never hurt anyone.
I felt so alone and scared, I had no one to turn to, no one to help me. I was so innocent and scared, I thought if I told someone they might kick us out of Canada. I wanted to protect my family so I kept my mouth shut about the abuse. I called the police a couple of times because I was terrified my dad would attack me with knives and even then, I protected him, I didn’t tell the police the truth. Eventually, the police told me if you call us one more time we will put him in prison without a trial because he would be considered a criminal.
Eventually, I met a nice boy who was kind and he helped me. He helped me buy my first car, he helped me with other thingsI needed so one day I told him about the abuse. I broke down in a bar in theCalgary neighbourhood of country hills and told him what’s been happening at home. From then onwards, he supported me. Until one day, things at home got crazy again and I called him. He told me pack your bags I’m coming to get you.I didn’t even have bags, I packed my things in garbage bags. My father grabbed me on the way out of the house and told me “you’ll be out there like a dog”. I left anyway.
I was so alone and scared. I stayed in his parent’s house for two years. They were good people. They took me in and treated me like their own daughter. They didn’t even ask me to pay rent. It became my safe haven. Finally, no one was beating me everyday when I came home from school. No one was shouting at me so I was able to focus on my studies more, focus on my travels and I was generally happier. Until, I started feeling miserable. We both abused each other. He psychologically and emotionally abused me and put me under so much pressure and I didn’t truly love him but I stayed with him out of respect that he stood by me. Until one day, I snapped I told him I want to break up and the story from then onwards was another horror story. He waged a war on my mind.
I finally broke. What they think about me became what I think about myself. I thought maybe I am this disgusting trashy whore that they are saying I am. Everyone accused me of being a whore but I was literally the only girl waiting for the right man to come along. After that, I started to have visions. I saw a vision of a man with a huge chest, brown hair, and he spoke French. I knew he must be the one. I trusted that this vision was shown to me for a reason. From then onwards, I knew it was best not to waste time with anyone because these guys were just like passing showers until I found him. I then moved to Montreal to learn French and my father mocked me for it. It was the darkest chapter of my life. I trashed myself. I self-destructed.I was nothing like the girl I used to be. Then I moved to Paris to do my MBA, my father mocked my decisions too but I did it anyway. Then I went to New York then Montreal again and finally Dubai. I rented an apartment and went to the gold souks asking around if anyone can help me find a gold factory. I met anIraqi businessman who saw that I was a nice girl on my own with ambitions so he took me in and gave me a helping hand. He introduced me to a Lebanese businessman with a gold factory who took me in and protected me. He was a good leader.He understood me even though I didn’t say much.
I got a job which afforded me the privilege to have a nice apartment. Then finally, I stumbled into your gym. I listened to myself every step of the way. I made rational choices every step of the way. I refused to compromise my integrity. I refused to give up. Then my fear of being judged by you overtook me. I was afraid you’d judge me for coming from a simple family that abused me, I was afraid you would judge me for the choices I had to make to survive. Instead of being proud of myself for walking through hell fire and making smart choices and coming out of it super educated and well-traveled, I felt so scared as if you’re better than me or something.
The man with the huge chest and brown hair is a good man. He didn’t judge me for what the trauma did to me. He respected me for being a good person. Everyone else along the way just laughed at me and thought I was stupid. I didn’t have to fight anymore. He knew exactly how to treat me. He understood my mind and I understood his. He’s the only person who respected me for doing the right thing.
I know you’re holding a grudge but please understand. The world allowed you to be strong but no one allowed me to be strong. Everyone wanted to break me until I finally broke. I didn’t grow up in a family that understood me.
Perhaps I deserve what happened to me, I used everything and everyone as a bridge on my way to get to you and I looked down my nose at everyone who made bad choices. I truly didn’t want anyone, I only wanted you. I didn’t want my family, I didn’t want my ex-boyfriend, I didn’t want my MBA classmates, I didn’t want my colleagues. I only wanted you and everyone took it so personally and viciously attacked me. But can you blame me, I had no clue how to think other than about time and money and I had no clue how to protect myself from the wolves. The world tore me to shreds from envy. I’m so pure I couldn’t even fathom such evil existed in the world.
I jumped from city to city. From country to country. From apartment to apartment. Always alone and scared but I kept faith that you would show up and you finally did. I didn’t just imagine it. The man with the huge chest and brown hair does in fact exist, and he speaks French.
When I finally reached the finish line, I snapped in half. I made an irrational decision then another one then another one then another one and dug myself into a hole. Every step of the way, I listened to someone else instead of listening to my own instincts and finally,I did the easy thing. I let my dad convince me to give up on my dreams and broke my spirit. I lost heart. Why would I even listen to this man? I don’t respect him. None of the choices I was making made any sense. I succumbed to all the pressures. The fear was stronger than me. So I went back home to make peace with my family, they’re like puppies desperate for my approval. I was so angry at them for what they did to me, I trashed the house, got arrested by the police, got admitted into a psychiatric ward because they thought I was MAD andI wanted to commit suicide because the thought of going on without you made no sense. I wish I could go back and change it. I wish I could go back and make different choices but I honestly couldn’t have. My mind was so exhausted from the violence. I got disintegrated. My fear of being judged overpowered my rationale. All the abuse along the way made me sick too so I hope you can find some way in your heart to forgive me. It’s not that I didn’t want to fight for you, I just didn’t have the strength anymore. I fought so hard for 14 years and when I finally found you, I messed everything up and lost you.
I finally stopped judging my father for doing the easy thing. He was too embarrassed to have a conversation. They don’t know how to communicate. I forgive my family for what they did to me, they were sick people. I forgive all the people along the way who hurt me too, they were all sick people. The world saw a lion and got scared.
My mother’s narcissistic dreams failed, my father’s narcissistic dreams failed and I got so damaged from the abuse. Ultimately, it was for the best. Now, we can all be free to be ourselves.
I’m sorry for judging you and saying hurtful things. You’re the only person in the world who didn’t deserve it. Thank you for making me feel loved, understood, respected, and most importantly safe. No man in the world has a heart as big as yours. Those 14 years of fighting were all worth it just to feel those moments of pure love and joy with you. I’ll forever cherish them because love is from the mind, love is respect. You’re the only person who was strong enough to accept me for who I am. I’m so grateful to have met you.
I’m also sorry it took me so long to write this. I just felt so weak. I’m sorry for acting stupid, trashy, irrational, and unprofessional. Everything that goes against my philosophy. The world was so hard on me, I finally broke.
As for my family, they finally let go. But at what cost? I lost 20 years of my life, got brain damage, a broken spirit and nothing has changed. I’m still the exact same person I was at 17 years old. If the world loved me, they would have let me be myself.
I wish I knew who I was. I wish I knew that having integrity is rare. I wish my family let me go when I was 17 so I can go out into the world and look for you. Someone equal to me in strength, class, and intellect so we can put our brilliants minds together and make millions and millions of dollars and if anyone tries to “play” us, they’ll have vicious bloody hell coming for them. But it didn’t happen that way.
Every leader has a story and this is mine.I wouldn’t change it for the world.
